Entries Tagged 'Humour' ↓

Accountant shows his generosity

One afternoon a top accountant was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the accountant said. “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the accountant replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”  The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all as well,” the accountant answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the accountant and said, “Sir, you are too kind.” “Thank you for taking all of us with you”.   The accountant replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high and you’ll save me having to pay for it being mown.”

The credit crunch – how it really happened!

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar and realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her
customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar.

Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in the area.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi’s gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS.

These “securities” then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as “AAA Secured Bonds” really are debts of unemployed alcoholics.

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb – and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar.  He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons.

But, being unemployed alcoholics — they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy.
The bar closes and Heidi’s 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community

The suppliers of Heidi’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations; her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi’s bar.

 

Dress code for accountants

Recently Swiss bank UBS issued a 43 page dress code to its staff.  Below are some thoughts on this, courtesy of Accountingweb.co.uk.

Suits only in dark grey, black and navy blue (conveying competence, sobriety, formalism) – no problem with that.

No trendy eye-glasses – yep, go along with that too. No need to try to look like an architect or graphic designer.

Requiring light make-up for women (foundation, discreet lipstick, mascara) to enhance one’s personality – hmm, a bit sexist, not sure they could say that in the UK.

“Properly cared for hair and a stylish haircut increase an individual’s popularity” – what???

No wearing short-sleeved shirts or cuff links (obviously not together) – definitely not for UK consumption then.

No allowing underwear to show – let’s call a spade a spade, I think they mean bra straps 

And though it can’t show, underwear should be of good quality and easily washable – no, I’m not joking, they actually say that.

No using tie knots that don’t match face and body shape – now this one has me completely baffled, I only know one way to knot a tie. I suppose bow ties are completely out too!

Wristwatches are encouraged because they suggest “reliability and great care for punctuality” – or in the case of my £4.99 Casio watch, that I’m a cheapskate!

Most worrying for the short-sighted like myself is the dictat that ’Glasses should always be kept clean. On the one hand this gives you optimal vision, and on the other hand dirty glasses create an appearance of negligence.’ Just avoid eye contact, I say!

Any organisation that dictates when jackets must be buttoned and unbuttoned is not one that I would care to work for. Sadly, I can’t find a leaked copy of the full dress code on the Internet, butI’m sure it’s only a matter of time!

But closer to home, should a small UK accounting practice have a dress code for its people? I have never worked for a firm that had one, or if it was unwritten I never transgressed, although I should admit that my father was a gents outfitter so maybe I inherited some of his style.

If I DID have a dress code it would outlaw such style disasters as those awful coloured or striped shirts with white collars – I thought they died out in the late 1970s, but I still see a few around. And what about the 3-piece versus 2-piece suit debate? Has the 3-piece had its day or does it still have a place in the dynamic young accountant’s wardrobe? Personally I think waistcoats belong on Status Quo guitarists, not in the modern office.

And that’s before we get on to the whole dressing down thing. I don’t suppose UBS AG lets its staff come to work in jeans and T-shirts on Fridays! Many accounting firms do, and in our experience it doesn’t seem to bother the clients. In fact, I have some clients who INSIST that I don’t wear a suit when visiting them.

I’m heading back to Google to see how many ways I can find to knot a tie!

Who was the first ever accountant?

Arguably it is Adam.  He had a liking for figures and made the first ever “entry”.  However, he soon lost interest after the withdrawal and buggered up the monthly accounts which resulted in the first liability being raised.

An accountant can save more than just tax…

I let my accountant do my tax returns because it saves time…
……..sometimes as much as ten years.

Tweeted by @TonyBlackburn

The Beatles – Taxman

Why was ‘Taxman’ written?

“George [Harrison] wrote Taxman, and I played guitar on it. He wrote it in anger at finding out what the taxman did. He had never known before then what could happen to your money.”
- Paul McCartney

“Taxman was when I first realized that even though we had started earning money, we were actually giving most of it away in taxes.”
- George Harrison

Lyrics:

Let me tell you how it will be
There’s one for you, nineteen for me
‘Cause I’m the taxman, yeah, I’m the taxman

Should five per cent appear too small
Be thankful I don’t take it all
‘Cause I’m the taxman, yeah I’m the taxman

If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street,
If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat.
If you get too cold I’ll tax the heat,
If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.

Don’t ask me what I want it for
If you don’t want to pay some more
‘Cause I’m the taxman, yeah, I’m the taxman

Now my advice for those who die
Declare the pennies on your eyes
‘Cause I’m the taxman, yeah, I’m the taxman
And you’re working for no one but me.

Bar Stool Economics – Taxes Explained

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all
ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes,
it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with
the arrangement, until on day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since
you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the
cost of your daily beer by $20.”Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so
the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could
they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair
share?’ They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the
sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar
owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by
roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts
each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men
began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,”declared the sixth man. He
pointed to the tenth man,” but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a
dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!”

“That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the
bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough
money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how
our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the
most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for
being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they
might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat
friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

Tax Advisers…!

Q. Why do sharks not attack tax advisers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. What’s the difference between a tax adviser and an angry bull?
A. The tax adviser charges more.

“Tax Quotes”

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax!”
Albert Einstein

“Benjamin Franklin said nothing is certain but death and taxes. But at least death doesn’t get worse every year.”
Anon

Tax Inspectors – humour

Q. What is the difference between a terrorist and a tax inspector?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q. How can you tell when a tax inspector is trying to trap you into a confession?
A. His lips are moving.